Jambi
by BomberBrat
Summary: Sasori breaks down, and finally admits to himself that he loves his best friend Deidara, chapter 2 added
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own naruto, I do not own Deidara and Sasori.

**Warning:** This story contains Yaoi/shounen-ai!

**AN: **For my Tomo. I love you too. I really really do. (Why do we keep writing from each others characters POV's?)

Jambi

I'm here, sitting amidst the mess that is my room, sitting like I have been, for days, weeks, I don't even know anymore, time lost all meaning to me what seems like an eternity ago. I can't tell, I lost full control over my mind eons ago too. I can't make my brain form a single coherent thought that isn't about you.

As much as I struggle to keep myself occupied, one thing is constantly pulling at my thoughts, making my soul burn and ache with confusion, and longing, all these fucking emotions I told myself I was above, I told myself I was void of, you blew my calm exterior to shreds awakening my long dormant emotions with an atomic blast, and proving me wrong.

How could such a brat be the one to break down all my walls and make me feel again?

Here, in my mess of a room, alone in my bed, I'm wracking my brain, beating my head into walls, to try and tell you, tell you how I feel. How you're the only person that's made this heart feel a god damned thing in what seems like a thousand years of solitude and loneliness, how you're my sunshine in this darkened world.

How I feel that somehow, in some life, I must have done something amazing to deserve a gift from the heavens like you, the only one in this world who knows who I really am, and accepts me anyways.

It flows so perfectly, so smoothly in my mind, but can I verbalize this? No I can't, every time I try my mind goes blank, and I return momentarily to that emotionless mask I slip on so casually, just for comfort, to protect my own selfish heart.

I shake my head as small streams of tears begin to make their way down my face, rolling off of my chin and hitting the paper as I write.

"Stupid, Brat" I whisper shakily, even to me I sound pathetic

I've grown to almost despise it when my I pod decides to play this song, It hasn't stopped making me cry in god knows how long. Though Ironically I never seem to have the willpower to change it when it comes on.

I smile through my small cloud of tears and sing softly along with the crashing melody

_"The devil and his had me down  
in love with the dark side I'd found  
dabbling all the way down  
Up to my neck soon to drown  
but you changed that all for me  
Lifted me up turned me round  
so I.. I.. I.. I... "_

"I would wish it all away"

I chuckle softly as the tears come harder and the music doesn't wait for me, it crashes on without so much as pausing. That's the difference between Maynard and I, he knows what he's doing, he knows how to tell this person what he feels so freely, without even thinking about it, like it's not a terrifying experience, like he fears nothing, not even rejection.

This is how Maynard and I are different. I can't say what I feel, I can't express it through any other means than my art.

Art is the only thing in this poisoned world that never changes, its the only thing that makes any sense in my mind, my only form of release from the confines of my withering body, in my art I will be eternal. If I didn't have it, I fear everyone, even you would forget me.

I bring the cigarette shakily to my lips, unable to hold my hands steady as my body convulses against my own will, flicking the lighter a few times before I actually manage to get the damn thing lit. Inhaling deeply I feel the serene poisonous sensation burn through my veins like a fire, consuming my whole being with momentary comfort.

Once this little stick of death is gone, I won't be okay anymore, and inevitably, another one will follow only minutes later, killing myself slowly to numb the pain.

With all this smoke clouding my lungs, I don't have to feel anything else, I can pretend that I don't exist in this cold reality, I can pretend that I'm nothing but a figment of someone else's fucked up imagination.

The only thing that keeps me a part of this world that I despise, is the hope that someday, maybe I'll get over all of this and tell you how I feel. I'm such a scorned and sour person, I'm surprised you've put up with me this long. I know in the past every time you mention love, I scoffed, called you a brat, and dropped the subject. Back then, I just didn't want to admit to myself that I was capable of feeling.

I wanted to remain boxed within my concrete walls, away from the pain I knew to be the word everyone called love.

That was a nice dream while it lasted, you proved to me that I couldn't keep my heart locked in a cage forever, that everyone feels, everyone loves, everyone craves these emotions, even if they deny them.

In a way, you taught me to feel again, you taught me that not everyone in this rotten world is the poisonous filth I see them as, that their are angels in this flesh. You taught me to look for the small beauties of this world, the beauty in all of this dissonance.

I reach to my side and pull out the bottle that has been my best friend in your absence, slamming down another shot of whiskey, I can't even taste the amber liquid as it rolls down my throat, the tight burning in my chest the only thing that lets me know I've consumed it at all.

Small pleasurable waves of disassociation wash over my body, slowly I'm escaping all of this.

Trying to escape the tormenting thoughts of you.

I've know for awhile that you loved me, I just didn't want to see it, I didn't want to admit to myself that someone in could really love such a bitter person.

I know you've been sleeping with other men, I know you fear my judgment, _I know_.

Really, what hurts me the most, is my jealousy, seeing you in another mans arms makes my blood boil, and my chest ache. Seeing you snuggled so peacefully in arms that don't love you, that don't care about you, that only use you for your beauty.  
It makes me sick with anger. I don't see you as a whore, I'm just angry because you aren't mine.

I guess that's what this all ultimately boils down to.

I want you to be only mine.

I want to be the one you hold, I want to be the one you whisper sweet nonsense too.

I want to be the one who makes you feel that you are not alone.

That wide eyed and hopefully wild body, I want it to be you.

I want you to remind me that my pain is an illusion.

I bite down on the metal bar of my tongue stud, as I start to shake again, why? Why the fuck can't I just say it? Why can't i just tell you how I feel?

Why do I have to cover my feelings by hurting yours?

All those things I say, I don't mean them, again I'm just selfishly protecting my own heart.

Why can't I be the man I told myself I was?

Void of emotions, it was blissful, it was ignorant, it was all a lie I so desperately wanted to be the truth.

I can't hide it anymore, I can't keep it all bottled up inside and waiting to explode turning my heart into a nuclear waste zone after the mushroom cloud evaporates leaving no life in its wake.

I slam my cigarette down into the ashtray by my bed, I can't even feel the hot coals as they undoubtedly burn into the calloused flesh of my fingers, I'm not real anymore, imaginary beings don't feel pain.

Flicking my lighter until I get a solid flame again, I light up yet another cigarette, I don't even know I'm doing it anymore, its all routine for me now, smoke has become the only thing I need to breathe, its my oxygen, it gives me existence, it gives me life.

I inhale the deadly toxin deep into my lungs, and the tears stop, if only for a moment, the only way I can tell they've come back, the hiss of the cherry as the salty liquid falls from my eyes like a thunder storm, the wails and sobs that escape my lips crashes of lightning in this otherwise, silent existence.

I can't stop the impending flood.

"FUCK!"

I wail, my screams drown out by the loud music that fills my small living space.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

The song swimming through the small bedroom is perfect for my breakdown, and somehow this is comforting, keeping me holding on, just for a moment longer.

_Water's rising up on me.  
The water is rising up on me.  
Thought the sun would come deliver me,  
but the truth has come to punish me instead.  
Grounds break down right under me.  
Cleanse and purge me  
in the water._

I don't know why I find the irony so entertaining.

I'm laughing hysterically as tears flood down my face, threatening to drown me in the flood of my own emotions, and I remember, the first time I saw those perfect sparkling blue eyes full of tears, the first time I kissed those rosy lips, I remember holding that trembling form and running my hands through that long golden hair, wiping the tears away.

I remember pushing that all away.

I dig my hands furiously into my scalp, tugging at my hair, at my sanity, as th flood is washing over me, I can't stop it, this ground below my feet is not the rock I thought it to be, it's crumbling all around me, and I can't find higher ground, the flood is sweeping me away.

And I think I'm finaly ready to let it carry my to you.

Three little words I've been dreading to say, three little poisonous words, I can't keep the flood from freeing them from their prison.

"I love you"

I laugh, it feels so liberating to finally say it out loud

"I love you!"

I throw myself backwards onto the softness of my futon, laughing, crying, and smiling wider than I have in years, all these new and wonderful feelings washing over and drowning my soul, awakening the heart I wanted to stay dead. And I decided, right then and there, that the next time I saw you Deidara.

I was going to say it.

I no longer fear your rejection, I no longer fear loneliness, I'm not afraid to feel anymore.

I'm going to kiss those perfect lips, and hold you close.

And tell you finally, like I've wanted to for so long.

Deidara, I love you.


	2. The Man Who Sold The World

**Disclaimer:** I do not own naruto, I do not own Deidara and Sasori.

**Warning:** This story contains Yaoi/shounen-ai!

**AN: **Inspiration hit me in the face, like a big yellow school bus, so I had to write this, no questions asked. I won't pretend to understand my brain. I just live in it. I made a chapter 2! REJOICE!

_Who knows?  
Not me  
I never lost control  
You're face to face with......_

Chapter 2-The Man Who Sold The World

I make my way sleepily down the stairs, to the kitchen, it seems like I haven't seen this part of my house in eons. Chiyo, my grandmother is sitting at the table quietly, flipping through the daily newspaper, and not bothering to glance in my direction. I'm sure she must have heard my little "breakdown" as she will undoubtedly call it.

I wouldn't go that far, it wasn't a breakdown, it was my metamorphosis, my epiphany, a realization if you will. Something beautiful born out of a maelstrom, and chaos.

I say nothing as I walk past the old hag to the fridge, grabbing myself an apple for breakfast, and getting out the creamer as I pour myself a large cup of coffee. Sitting silently down at the table a few chairs away from her I eat what I can of the apple, downing the coffee quickly, and get up to grab the pack of cigarettes I keep downstairs.

I'm glad sometimes that my grandmother is a smoker, it means I don't have to go out into the cold winter air for my fix, I can enjoy my cancer right here at the comfort of the table.

Sitting back down I reach into my pajama pants and pull out my lighter, flicking it with expert skill and lighting my cigarette flawlessly. My grandmother makes a small shifting movement and holds her hand out to me, lowering the newspaper and cocking her eyebrow at me questioningly.

"I ran out this morning while you were asleep scorpling, give Na-na a cigarette, please?"

I roll my eyes at the childish nickname, reaching into the almost full pack and lighting another cigarette off of the cherry of my own, I hand it off to the old hag quickly, knowing if I don't comply with her "request" I'll never hear the end of it.

She takes it from me thankfully pinching my cheek, its like I'm seven years old all over again.

"Such a good grandson always looking out for poor old Na-na!"

I pull away from her torturous affection and kill the last few drags of my cigarette before heading back up the stairs to my room.

Grabbing the clothes that smell the cleanest I make my way to the bathroom to shower, its been awhile and I'm sure I've started to smell.

Adjusting the water to just the right temperature I step into the cleansing stream of warm water, sighing in content as it rolls over my skin, washing away the dirt and grime of my former being, letting the new and renewed me seep through the muck and filth. The me that has become a higher being, steps out of the shower and dries himself off quickly to escape the impending cold of the winter air.

He slips on the clothing that the old me took from what I suppose is "our" room.

Black jeans, a studded belt, and a black band t-shirt. Nine inch nails to be exact, one of our favorites.

Slipping my dark brown hoodie over the outfit I reach into my pocket checking my phone, just for the time.

It's 3pm, and here I was somehow under the impression that it was morning.

The shrill noise of my phone snaps me back to normal attention, great Tobi is calling, I know that ring tone.

I let a few lines of the ridiculous song that Tobi insisted I make his ring tone pass before I answer it.

'_Suckin' to hard on your lollipop  
loves gonna get you down'_

I can't take much more of this.

"Hello, Tobi"

The man on the other side of the line as always, is overly enthusiastic to talk to me it seems.

"HI! Sasori-Sama! What are you doing today?"

Blunt as always, well that's Tobi for you.

"Nothing as of right now, I woke up like an hour ago Tobi."

I sigh, if he could see my face right now, he would see me rolling my eyes.

"What is it that you want, Tobi?"

I hear a small giggle and rustling on the other side of the line.

"Wellllll.....Tobi was wondering if you could come over, to his house today, Tobi hasn't seen you in forever Sasori-Sama!, oh and Deidara-senpai is going to be here later"

My heart skips a beat at the mention of his name...._Deidara_

It seems like its been forever since I spoke with him, let alone saw him.

I swallow hard as I answer him.

"Okay Tobi, I'll be there, just don't tell Deidara that I'm coming okay?"

more giggling, great he was planning this all along.

"OKAY Sasori-sama! Tobi won't! Tobi is a good boy! bye-bye see you later!"

"Yeah, bye"

Fuck.

I'll say it again.

Fuck.

God dammit Tobi.

Quickly I rush around my room to gather up everything I'll need for this little adventure, throwing pajama pants, a shirt, a notebook a couple packs of cigarettes and a change of clothes into my bag along with my I pod, for the bus ride I know I'll be taking soon.

I make my way down the stairs stuck in the same rush, quickly bolting out the door, not giving the old hag any explanation, I'm technically an adult now, I don't need her approval to leave this place.

The walk and the bus ride seem to last forever, just like always, I hate taking the bus, for some reason it always depresses me a little.

It takes me a little over an hour to get to Tobi's apartment, when I get there I throw my cigarette down to the ground and knock sharply on the door, I hear a bouncy commotion on the other side I can only assume is Tobi.

"Senpai?"

"Guess again, Tobi"

The door flings open violently as I am almost tackled to the ground by a blur of orange and black that likes to call itself Tobi.

"Sasori-Sama! Tobi is happy you came!"

I roll my eyes sarcastically at my hyper companion.

"yeah, yeah I missed you too Tobi, now can we get inside, it's fucking cold out here"

He steps passed me, practically skipping into the apartment, casually I strode in the door, stopping to take off my shoes and toss my bag onto the floor. I followed Tobi, sitting down at the small table in the kitchen as he poured drinks for the two of us.

"How have you been Sasori-Sama?"

I scoff noisily, how have I been? I'm not even sure how to answer that question.

"Okay" of course, that's a lie.

I haven't been okay, then again, I'm not sure I've been all that bad either. I suppose their is no emotion to accurately describe my metamorphosis, how do you put the feeling of such a change into words understandable by the common man?

"That's good to hear Sasori-Sama, Tobi has been worried about you, you've seemed so sad lately"

"Hm"

I take a large drink of the tea that Tobi handed me, sighing deeply, and lowering my eyes.

A sharp knock sounded on the door, just as Tobi began to speak again.

"Hold on Sasori-Sama, I bet that's Senpai"

I held my breath while Tobi walked to the door, his pace seeming agonizingly slow, my heart was pounding by the time his hand was on the knob, seconds seeming like hours as the door inched closer and closer to being open.

"Tobi open the fucking door already,un!"

My calm demeanor was crumbling fast, just from the sound of his voice.

My heartbeat was growing so rapid I could hear it pounding in my brain, which wasn't helping my mind make any sense of my body or what to do with it. My chest burnt like I was bursting apart from the inside, and I remembered, air, I need it to live, that's right.

I take a deep shaky breath, as I hear him step inside, I shut my eyes tight. I don't think I'm ready to be blinded by the heavenly glow that surrounds him. I don't think I'm ready to look into those sky blue eyes and see all of that pain, the pain I know I am partly responsible for causing.

I hear him stop only steps away from me and drop his bag, seconds later my lap is full of his weight.

I open my eyes slowly, afraid of what I'll find in front of me.

I'm greeted by his bright eyes, and his beautiful smiling face.

"Danna, it's been so long, un"

I lower my gaze cautiously away from his, avoiding those perfect sapphire orbs, I know will melt my soul.

"Yeah, it has"

Deidara flings his arms around me embracing me tightly, and I can't hide the blush that sneaks onto my face. Tobi walks into the kitchen slowly, only I can see the all to cheery grin on his smug face, asshole.

That smile doesn't wipe itself from his lips as Deidara's grip relinquishes me and he turns to look happily at our host.

"Sorry Senpai, Tobi forgot to tell you that Sasori-Sama was coming over, hope you don't mind"

Deidara smiles happily at Tobi, and shakes his head.

"Good, because Tobi loves you both!"

I scoff inwardly at Tobi's actions, that manipulative little son of a bitch, this was his plan all along, to get me and Deidara here, together, so that we could 'talk about our feelings'. I sigh in frustration, why the fuck did I have to tell Tobi how I felt about Deidara?

All it's caused is bullshit.

I can't keep all these stupid fucking feelings bottled up any more, and Tobi knows it, that's why he asked me over today, somehow I knew when the time for all this shit came, I wasn't going to be able to say no.

I was Tobi's good little puppet, and I played along, I let him pull my strings and entangle me in this situation, honestly, you'd think I wouldn't be so easily controlled.

Fuck me.

I sigh again, and gently push Deidara off of me and to his feet, muttering lowly under my breath that I need to use the bathroom.

I climb the small flight of stairs and retreat into the tiled sanctuary, closing the lid of the toilet and sitting down on top of it, taking deep breaths and trying desperately to regain my composure, I can't back down and say nothing this time, I have to confront him, be a man Sasori!

My breathing finally calms to a normal pace, and I turn on the sink, splashing the cold water onto my face while pretending to wash my hands, I can do this, I have the willpower. I take one last deep breath as I open the door, and go back down the stairs, Deidara and Tobi, are sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea, and from the looks on their faces, they were just talking about me.

I take back the seat I abandoned when I went upstairs, picking up my discarded cup of tea I take a large sip of the now luke-warm liquid, thanking god that moisture has returned to the desert of my mouth.

"So Danna...How have you been since I saw you last"

Awkward conversation, great, I just love awkward conversation.

"I've been okay, you?"

"Yeah, I've been okay, un"

He was shifting nervously as he spoke to me.

Tobi gave me a look that explained it all, Deidara was nervous, he knew.

That devious smile found its way again onto Tobi's lips, and I knew what he was planning to do next.

"Oh senpai, Sasori-sama, Tobi forgot he has to go meet Kisame at the store really fast before he comes over, soooo you'll be okay here alone right?"

I nod, as does Deidara, and Tobi cheerfully bounces out the door, leaving us alone.

You could cut the tension in here with a knife.

Deidara is twiddling his fingers nervously, I'm biting my nails down to nothing, both of us are to stubborn to break the silence.

Standing up I make my way into the kitchen and rinse out my cup, filling it with water before I sit back down, still refusing to look Deidara in the eyes.

Meekly a hand reaches out to touch mine, and reflexively I look up, those perfect sapphires catching me in their entrancing spell.

I'm fucked.

"Danna, do you hate me?"

I begin to chuckle softly as my body convulses tiny little tremors shaking my whole being, this is it, this is my chance, dammit mouth work! This may be the only chance we get to say anything!

"Hate you Deidara?"

"Yeah, it's just you haven't looked at me once since I got here"

"Deidara....."

I said looking him in the eyes and grabbing his hand softly.

He looked up at me, the painful look on his angelic face making my heart ache.

"Un?"

I'm gathering my courage as I inch closer to that beautiful face, I'm calming myself with repeated words and phrases, a million sappy love songs are swimming through the universe of my mind, and finally, I say fuck it all and just go for what I want.

Cupping his chin softly, I press my cracked lips to his perfect silky petals, kissing him like I've wanted to for god knows how long now.

I feel him melt against me and my hearts pounding ceases to a slow steady rhythm, he didn't push me away, he didn't say no.

He was kissing me back.

I broke apart from him quickly as I heard the front door open, Turning I saw kisame and Tobi standing there. Kisame looked shocked, and big surprise, Tobi was grinning from ear to ear.

"I told you they would make out before we got back, pay up fishy you owe me five bucks!"

"Dammit, Tobi"


	3. I will let you down

**Disclaimer:** I do not own naruto, I do not own Deidara and Sasori.

**Warning:** This story contains Yaoi/shounen-ai!

**AN: **Good things never last, nothing means anything. After this the rest is all bullshit.

Chapter 3- **I Will Let You down  
**

------------------------------

Sometimes breathing seems so unnecessary, sometimes, I forget I need to do it at all.

That is until my chest starts to burn.

The only time breathing seems natural to me is when I have a cigarette in my hand.

Like I said, smoke is the only thing I need to breathe anymore.

You're still all that I can think about.

Your smile, those eyes..and the day at Tobi's, when I kissed you.

I guess that I thought, if I kissed you, that was it, you were mine. I tried so hard to convey all of my thoughts, and my feelings for you in that one act, that one moment of affection.

You were just to dense to understand.

Or rather I was just hoping to much, that you would.

It's hard to put so many emotions into one thing, when you're used to not putting them anywhere, just locking them away.

Maybe, I'm the one who fucked this all up.

I wanted this too much, I broke the barrier and crossed that forbidden line between friendship, and love. I ruined everything.

Tobi told me how many other men you were seeing.

I already knew, in my heart that you didn't want me, not really.

I mean, who would want someone like me?

Someone so, heartless...

I don't think I even have a heart anymore, after all of this...this swelling of emotions, this pain....this fucking insanity, I think my heart left me.

It didn't even say goodbye.

It used to hurt, whenever I thought about you, and suddenly....it didn't anymore, I didn't feel anything....nothing, just cold...and hardened like stone.

Finally, its not a lie.

I can't feel anymore.

As much as I try to be different, I am no better then anyone else, I'm rotten, filthy, putrid scum, just like the rest of this decaying fucking race of pitiful creatures.

But I'm not a human, I am a machine.

I'm just living out my days as I was programmed to do, even my smoking, is scheduled like clockwork, every choice I make seems pre-ordained. Like a program, my brain has become robotic.

Right now, I'm running on energy save mode.

I haven't left this place, except for cigarettes, since that day.

I leave my cellphone off most of the time, I just don't feel like dealing with reality anymore. Why should I when the only thing that kept me clinging so desperately to reality, was you...

You were my reality, my everything.

And now, you're gone, vanished like some wonderful dream I never wanted to wake up from.

A fantasy I wanted to live in forever.

Every time I see a glimpse of blond hair as I stare out my window, it still makes my chest hurt. Secretly I'm hoping and praying that it's you.

Honestly, without you, life isn't worth living anymore, and I want nothing more than to close my eyes and wake up in my dream, where you are.

That was all I wanted, to be close to you, to love you.

Why couldn't you let me love you?

Was it too much to ask..

Fuck....

There I go again, crying. Thinking about you seems to do that to me, I'm like a fucking waterfall of angst, and its almost disgusting.

Chiyo-baa doesn't even knock on my door these days, she rarely bothers me unless I haven't shown up for dinner in a few days, just making sure I'm still alive. Unfortunately I am.

Who ever would have thought that, I would grow tired of living? I never imagined I would even consider the concept.

But, its happened, all I want in a world without you is to stop existing.

The only thing I can't seem to stop feeling is this aching in my chest.

It seems as though every insignificant thing in my life, is trying to remind me of you.

Of what I lost.

Songs on the radio, and small things, like smells that seem to linger, if only for a moment.

No matter where I turn, I can't seem to find a moments peace from the thoughts of you that poison my mind.

You poison my mind. You and this ridiculous feeling called love.

You were the sweetest undoing, the most beautiful downfall I could have ever hoped for.

I'm glad it was you who broke me, I couldn't have dreamed up someone more perfect.

Someone who said that they loved me. Someone I knew I loved as well.

Everyone I know goes away in the end, everything you love will always be leaving, while all I love grows distant.

I could quote a thousand songs, and I still wouldn't be able to describe this hurt.

You could have had it all.

My empire of dirt, all that I am.

But that wasn't enough, I will never be worthy of you.

I know that you can't forgive me. I never expected you to.

I would understand if you punished me for eternity, I was out of line when I said those things to you.

I was angry, and jealous.

I wanted you to be mine.

You ignored me, blew me off for other people, we were becoming strangers.

I don't know if we were even friends, I felt replaced, rejected, and it hurt.

I don't know how to deal with feelings.

So I took it out on the only thing in my pitiful life that mattered, you.

I could apologize a thousand times, and it wouldn't be enough to show you how sorry I am.

I would rip this infernal heart from my chest if it would make you forgive me, but you won't.

And so still, unbearably it beats without you.

Life goes on, but I'm gone.

Sasori isn't here anymore, I am simply a substitute.

Sasori died when he lost you.

You will never know how much you meant to me.

I should have spoke up when I had the chance, I should have told you that I loved you the moment I knew it was true.

Maybe then it wouldn't have come to this.

I sigh as I lay back on my bed, my eyes feel heavy, the sleeping pills are starting to work their magic.

I can feel this spiral finally coming to the end.

Will fate be so cruel, as to make me dream of you, even in the end?

I wonder, will I dream at all?

-------------------------------------------

And thats how it ends folks.

Brat


End file.
